I literally crave affection. It’s not about sex. I crave somebody to cuddle with me, and to lay their head on my lap. I crave kisses, holding hands and running my thumb across theirs. Just looking at someone and thinking “how did I get this lucky”.
Like I think I have an actual psychological problem. I’ve met him twice and I can’t even remember what his name is, bloody hell
WHY DO I FEEL SO CRAP CHEER UP GEEEEEZ
I don’t know why I am so sad. I blame it on my period (sometimes I forget most people don’t find it socially acceptable to talk about periods and have to stop myself mentioning it). But I’ve really had a good couple of nights, yet for some reason I end up sad at the end of the high. I’ve not even been drinking.
Tuesday night I went to the CU meeting and then had dinner at a Linlithgow guy’s house. It was so much fun and we played twister and when the girls played we all ended up wearing a pair of his shorts over whatever we were wearing and they were massive. But then I ran over what I said when I got home and thought some of it was stupid and desperate.
Wednesday I went to the CU grub crawl and enjoyed it so much. I met and talked to some really awesome people, then left it and went to the Union where I chatted to this Paisley guy for ages and really enjoyed myself at the karaoke.
Friday I had my induction and went to the Science Centre, and this is when things really started to go wrong because I did my classic of deciding to fall in love with people just because we had a nice conversation even though I barely knew them. I met a guy at my induction and we got on really well, and there was another guy who I called his last name and he was really sweet. I’m just not used to getting on with people so well, joking and such, that it’s a big deal for me but it’s obviously not for other people and I need to fix the way I look at things. At the science centre there was a guy from my school and his friend; his friend turned out to be really funny and we were total kids running around the exhibits.
Same goes for tonight at the acoustic night. Sat with this guy and laughed a lot about random things. His laugh was just really infectious and we sang to one of the songs (How He Loves Us) and I can’t describe how much I like simple moments like that. But after talking for a while at the end I figured I have a few things to do and I said I’m going. I thought he might walk me home because I rarely do walk home with anyone, but he and the other guy just said bye. And I don’t why I’m so gutted. I just am. Because I see most other students seem to walk home with people and I wonder why I’m incapable of doing that.
I would just quite like to start classes now. I hate always trying to figure out if I should go out (which I should have when it was sunny but I just didn’t feel like it at all) and where my flat mates are and whether I’ve made a terrible first impression. I liked my reputation before and it seems like it’ll be a lot of hard work to get that again and I don’t know how.
Also, I genuinely felt really uncomfortable when Christian Union came round with leaflet yesterday evening and they came in and laughed at it and made fun of it and then started making fun of Christianity. So I know it’s a minority and Christians have done a lot of things that would rightfully give people reasons to make fun, I still felt slightly upset. Because how did I fit into that conversation, “Hey, I’m actually going to go to some of the Christian Union stuff” or “I’m going to church tomorrow actually”.